Never too young to be passive aggressive

Oskar and I picked Molly up from the school in our car. Her hands were filthy because she was hunting for dinosaur’s eggs in the mud under the slide.

So in the car I said: “Molly, please don’t touch Oskar’s face. Your hands are very dirty.”
“OK, sure… THEN YOU CAN JUST LISTEN TO HIM CRY ALL THE WAY HOME!”

Almost seven years ago I gave birth to a sweet baby who’s slowly turning into a sarcastic, irritable and generally unpleasant flatmate.

Being Greta Thunberg

I felt very proud when our daughter confidently brought up Greta Thunberg in our conversation and declared she wanted to be like her. Until I realised Molly wants to take it a step further. In a strange direction.

Instead of missing one day of school to protest, Molly won’t ever go. And obviously she’s too young to protest (she’ll start doing that when she’s eleven) – so her plan is just to not go to school for now.

Exactly like Greta. Or not.

My best friend loves me

-Alexa, what will happen if we never brush our teeth again ever?
-I don’t know that one.
-OK. Alexa, what will happen if the Earth stops spinning?
-According to NASA, if the Earth stopped spinning suddenly, the atmosphere would still be in motion with the Earth’s original 1100 mile per hour rotation speed at the equator. All of the land masses would be scoured clean of anything not attached to bedrock.
-Hmmm. Alexa, how are bricks made?
-I didn’t quite get that one.
-Oh, sorry! Alexa, what is one thousand plus two thousand plus five hundred?
-One thousand plus two thousand plus five hundred is three thousand and five hundred.
-Wow, a lot. Alexa, I love you.
-Oh, that’s sweet.
-Huh? I said I love you, Alexa.
-…

(Benny’s conversation with his best friend, the robot, from this morning.)

To catch the tooth fairy

Molly and her seven-year-old friend had a serious issue to discuss: “What does the tooth fairy do with the teeth she collects?”

They came up with various ideas:

  • The tooth fairy eats the teeth.
  • She builds a house made of teeth.
  • She makes teeth necklaces.
  • She squashes the teeth down to make money.

Then the realisation hit them: “The tooth fairy must be really rich if she can bring money to every kid in the world who loses a tooth!”

Soon, a plan emerged. They’ll make a fake tooth out of playdough, they’ll pull the blinds down and pretend to be asleep. When the tooth fairy arrives they’ll catch her and… steal her money to buy sweets and toys!

In preparation for the hunt, they started building a house (out of random trash) where the tooth fairy can live (after they rob her). Their enthusiasm didn’t last too long, though. When Molly pointed out that the toothfairy can’t possibly work on her own, they gave up.

“There’s too many teeth in the world so she must have henchmen! We’d have to build beds for all of her hundred henchmen!” I guess that was too much work for too many henchmen (How did my child learn that word?).

When her friend left, Molly came up with another cunning plan. She wrote a letter to the tooth fairy with one kuna (Croatian money) coin inside, suggesting that the tooth fairy leaves her five in return.

It was so disappointing when she woke up this morning to find out that her letter wasn’t even read! The tooth fairy’s not stupid, she only comes for the teeth.

[This is Molly’s letter to the toothfairy. It’s written in Croatian, with lots of mistakes. (In her defence, Molly doesn’t go to school yet. She taught herself how to write and she’s not a very good or patient teacher.)

Dačutijenukunuamožešmenidatpetkukunu (Dat ću ti jednu kunu, a možeš meni dati pet kuna = I’ll give you one kuna and you can give me five.)]

Luckily, Molly’s tooth’s really wobbly today. I have no doubt she’ll forcefully pull it out by the end of the day, so she’ll have a real bait soon (needless to say, the fake playdough tooth didn’t trick the smart tooth fairy either).

If Molly manages to catch the tooth fairy tonight, she’ll be so rich I’ll never have to buy her any sweets or toys ever.

Or she might sleep through the tooth fairy’s visit so she’ll only receive five kuna in exchange for her tooth. We’ll see. It could go either way.