…writing down random stuff my kids say.
As I’m approaching my forties, I’m thinking about the way I’ve been living my life so far. I don’t want to make any statements that I might later take back, but I’m contemplating a big change: I might start regularly brushing my hair.
As I said, I don’t want to commit to this just yet, but it’s been on my mind recently. I imagine it would be nice to be able to run my fingers through my hair without them getting stuck. I hope I get to experience it one day.
In the car as we’re driving to my parents’ house on the coast:
Molly (to Benny): I can’t wait, Benny! We’ll go swimming in the sea!
Me: No, you’re not. It’s almost November, it’s too cold.
Molly (still talking to Benny): We’ll go swimming in the pool!
Me: No, you’re not. I didn’t pack your swimming stuff.
Molly (still to Benny): We’ll go swimming naked!
Benny’s hands are too small so he has to put all of his cards down on the table to look at them. We have to close our eyes and look away whenever it’s his turn.
Playing cards with Benny takes twice as long, but we had nothing important to do today anyway.
Today in the car Molly asked me to play her a song she’s never heard before.
-But I’d like the singer to sound like me.
-What do you mean? That a little girl sings the song?
-No, a man. He needs to sound like a character I have in my head.
-Huh?
-When I daydream in the car, I like to imagine that I’m a cowboy and that I go on different adventures and now I need a song so that I can imagine I’m just going around the town.
I played “Take on me” – I thought that would fit well with the story in her head. Molly agreed.
(Difficult) Mission accomplished.
Any other suggestions for a soundtrack to a daydream about a girl who’s a cowboy?
Thank you for coming. We’ll keep this presentation short and to the point. It shouldn’t be too complicated and we’re sure you’ll manage to finish your mission without any issues. As you already know, we’re sending you to Earth.
We assigned you a simple role: you’re to be a female human on maternity leave. How to best explain this? You’ll be a so-called manager, you’ll be in charge of a family of humans. You’ll share housing with a dog and four other humans: a male human, a baby human, a girl human and a boy human. Your assignment is to make sure that
a) the baby’s adequately stimulated and content,
b) the human children are thriving physically, mentally and emotionally,
c) your relationship with the male human stays fresh, exciting and fulfilling,
d) your friendships with other humans are deep and meaningful and
e) you’re healthy and alive.
That’s it in a nutshell. Simple, right? We’ll quickly run you through your typical day before we let you go.
You’ll be sharing a bed with the male human and, for most of the night, with the baby human. At night you won’t have much to do. You’ll be woken up approximately every two hours by the crying baby. That’s your cue to pick him up. He’s hungry. Simply let the baby attach himself and suck the food out of you. Don’t fall asleep or he’ll fall off the bed and it will be your fault if he hurts himself. Make sure you don’t wake the male human up. He needs his rest to function correctly.
When you wake up for the fifth time, your day begins. Start it with a smile. If the male human asks, say your night was good. It’s important not to infect other humans with your bad mood and tiredness. Each one of your nights will be the same and in a blur. It’s enough to say “My night was good, I’m feeling good” as you change the baby, while the male human dresses himself.
Soon the younger two humans will wake up. They will be grumpy and demanding. They can’t control their own emotions yet so you’re partially responsible for their moods. Create space for them to express their emotions freely, soak up their grumpiness, ignore them when they’re being objectionable, distract them with silly games, but have them hurry up and get ready or they’re going to be late. Inhale. Exhale. Joke. Dance. Sing.
Fight your urge to shout when they ignore your commands. You are programmed to feel guilty if you shout. The children might try to argue with you. Speak to them in a strict, but calm tone. They need to know that you have the world around them under control to feel safe. You also need to be in control of your own emotions. Don’t get upset, they’re just children. Don’t take anything they say personally.
Help the human children get dressed, serve them breakfast, did they brush their teeth? In case you were wondering, don’t worry, you won’t forget about the baby. He’ll loudly complain if you don’t hold him constantly, even as you’re doing other things. Carry him, cuddle him, comfort him, you don’t want him to be upset. Pack a lunch box for the girl while you fill out the forms that say, yes, the children are allowed to visit a theatre, to go on a field trip, to attend a sporting event. Pack the bags for their extra-curricular activities. Convince them that “it’s important to learn to play the guitar, come on, you love Maths, you really are good at sports”.
When young humans finish getting ready, they’ll need to leave the house to go to their institutions. Make sure they have their jackets and waterproof shoes on. The male human goes to work, the girl goes to school, the boy goes to kindergarten, the baby stays with you.
Drive carefully as you drive the girl to school. Mind the other drivers, stop at the pedestrian crossings, let the humans cross safely. Listen to the girl, she’s talking to you, this is important to her! Focus on what the girl’s saying. Don’t get involved too much because she needs her autonomy. Give her some space and freedom. But don’t get involved too little because she’ll feel confused and alone. Watch out for the bikes, red traffic light means stop! Guide the girl wisely from a distance while creating closeness. What you say or don’t say today may influence some of the big decisions she makes later in her life.
Close your eyes for a second as the girl enters the school building. Breathe. The baby’s crying in the back seat. His crying will eventually get louder until he becomes hysterical. Decide for yourself whether to stop and feed him again on the side of the road or to drive with him screaming in the back.
When at home, have the baby close so that he can see you at any given moment. Sing to him, let him crawl and explore, make sure you engage his brain because it’s developing rapidly at this stage. Talk to him so he knows you’re there as you’re tidying up the table after breakfast, emptying the dishwasher, doing the laundry.
Time to feed the baby again, it’s been a couple of hours. Offer him some fruit, he’s old enough to eat proper food now. Breastfeed him again when he refuses to eat the fruit. Change him as he wriggles while he’s trying to eat a pack of wet wipes.
This is a good time to start making a mental list of the things that need to be accomplished today. You have six hours before young humans and the male human return, that should give you enough time. Choose as many things as you can from the list and attempt to get them done while keeping the baby close to you and content at all times:
It’s now 15:00, your time’s up! Some days you’ll get a lot done, some days you’ll get nothing done. Regardless of how much you achieve, you’ll feel like you haven’t done enough.
Pick the girl up from school, pick the boy up from kindergarten. The male human gets back from work by himself. The baby will be fidgety and irritable by now, there’s too much going on for him. Put him down for a nap. The older humans will be tired and grumpy, have understanding for the fact that they had a long day. Take them out to the park, buy them an ice-cream, talk to them about their day. Be supportive when they complain, smile at their funny stories, remember their friends’ names. Ask them questions, don’t ask them too many questions. Be interested, but not intrusive.
It’s almost bedtime. Serve dinner, give all young humans a bath, help them get their pyjamas on, read them a story, have they brushed their teeth yet? Kiss them goodnight. Put the baby down for the night as well.
Use a couple of hours before the baby wakes up again to connect with the male human. Be kind and gentle and empathic. Don’t get into arguments, don’t shout, don’t hold grudges, don’t throw objects at the male human. You can watch a film together. It would be nice if you massaged his feet.
Go to bed. While lying there, use the time to worry about all the things you didn’t manage to do today and about all of those you should’ve done better. Think about your mistakes.
Were you impatient with the girl when she complained about her shoes being too tight? Did you zone out when the boy talked in detail about a cartoon he watched? Did the baby get enough tummy time? You dragged him with you to all these shops and appointments, did you ignore him too much? Were you kind enough to the male human? Were you empathic and thoughtful enough in your conversations? Were you polite enough to strangers you were in contact with? Did you call your mother? Did you message your friends? You should really try to keep in touch regularly.
Add a few points to the mental list for tomorrow:
By the time you finish worrying and feeling guilty, it will be time to go to sleep. Close your eyes for a few minutes before the baby starts crying. Feed him, sleep for a couple of hours, start all over again.
We’ll upgrade you to the next level in about a year – a female human as a working mother. You’ll continue with all the tasks from level one, but you’ll also go to get to work for eight hours a day. That’s something to get excited about, isn’t it?
Close your eyes now and brace yourself. This won’t be painful. Don’t worry, you are now perfectly equipped to start your time on Earth as a female human on maternity leave. You’ll see for yourself, it’s very straightforward.
Oskar’s crying in the car.
Me: “Molly, talk to him!”
Molly: “Hey.”
Needless to say, that didn’t calm him down.
I found a babysitter to entertain the baby for three hours in the morning while I work. Today was the first day.
I spent the first hour walking around the house confused, picking random objects up and placing them back down, feeling empty-handed and empty-headed.
Spent the second hour sitting down at my laptop and getting back up again, not being able to concentrate.
Spent the last hour stressed because I got no work done.
I’m currently wasting the last ten minutes of our babysitter’s time on writing this down.
I clearly need to get better at this.
I’m still using the breastfeeding app because I’m hoping my lack of sleep could be a mitigating factor in a case of attempted murder.
(“From the notes in this app, your Honour, it is clear that the baby’s been waking up to feed at least five times a night. The defendant has not slept for longer than two hours in a block for months.
Clearly I can’t be held accountable for my actions if someone tries to talk to me or if they look in my general direction.
You will surely be able to understand the defendant’s actions better, your Honour, if we told you that the victim not only failed to respond but also looked bored and annoyed when the defendant wished her a “Good morning” upon entering the shop.”)
Assignment: “The classroom’s empty. Decorate it the way you like. Think about flowers, rugs, chairs and tables, kids, curtains, aquarium, pictures, a reading corner…”
Our child: “This empty classroom needs a rug and a fire breathing dragon.”
Situation 1: Jay and the baby
“He’s licking the floor, I don’t know if that’s OK?”
Situation 2: Jay and the baby
“Is he laughing or choking? One of those is significantly better than the other.”