What nightmares are made of

-Today at the kindergarten Lana couldn’t find her paper cake so I told her I saw a zombie grab it! I said he looked like a hand with eyes and tentacles and that I also saw him in my bedroom at night!
-OK…
-Then I showed her and two more friends all of the marks that the zombie left in the garden!
-Were they scared?
-Yes! Very! And then I left and I forgot to tell them I made it all up.

She “forgot” to tell them. My kid is responsible for your kid’s nightmares and I’m very sorry.

Yellow ribbons for humans

I read about a yellow ribbon on a dog which means “Do not approach”. It could be that the dog’s in training or old, sick, scared or just wants to be left alone…

This made me think – I’m sure the world would be a more pleasant place if humans wore ribbons like those to avoid infecting each other with bad moods.

Various colours for various levels of irritability in humans:

Blue: “Seriously sleep deprived, approach at your own risk, it could go either way”,
Purple: “Not in the mood for small talk today, sorry”,
Yellow: “Please only address me if it’s important”,
Orange: “Don’t even look at me unless there’s an emergency”.
Red: “NO!”

I was thinking about green for “I’m in a good mood, you don’t have to be scared of me”, but I guess a smile conveys that message clearly.

How to make lunch with a newborn? Part II

How to make lunch with a newborn?
(Second attempt)

1. Have your mum come over to take care of the kids
2. Get very excited about making the food as a finishing touch. 
3. Put some paprika powder in your soup
4. That was not paprika powder. It was chilli powder.
5. Do your best to make the soup less spicy by adding: milk, yoghurt, peanut butter, lemon juice, sugar and… more stuff.
6. Go take a shower
7. Realise you forgot to turn the gas off
8. Clean the soup-covered kitchen
9. Serve the soup
10. Make your kids cry because the soup’s way too spicy and their mouths burn
11. Try not to cry yourself
12. Throw the soup away
13. Have your mum make scrambled eggs for everyone

How to make lunch with a newborn?

How to make lunch with a newborn?

1. Start preparing food when you feel hungry, around noon
2. Peel a few potatoes
3. Feed, carry and cuddle a crying baby
4. Put the baby down
5. Feed, carry and cuddle the baby
6. Put him down
7. Feed, carry and cuddle the baby
8. Put him down
9. Warm up a can of beans around 15:30
10. Feed, carry and cuddle the baby
11. Eat cold beans

Trying to keep my authority

It’s difficult to get your kids to listen carefully while you tell them off if you have a baby attached to your boob.

It’s even more difficult for them to take you seriously if you have to pull the baby off your breast to concentrate on shouting.

Moral dilemma of the day

How wrong would it be to use the fact that I look six months pregnant to my advantage and skip the queues or demand someone’s seat in a tram?

In this imaginary scenario, I’d leave the baby at home not to arise any suspicion so yes – I would definitely be blatantly lying to people.
On the other hand, I was still pregnant only twenty days ago. I’m even more tired now. And I don’t like waiting in queues.

Your opinion: using your big postpartum body for (your own) good or moving on with your life without the advantages you had while pregnant?

Appreciative baby

Oskar’s a very appreciative and thoughtful baby. He expresses his gratitude for everything I do by giving me the only gifts he can.

I feed him – he poos.
I burp him – he poos.
I put him to sleep – he poos. 
I change his clothes – he poos.
I change his pooey nappy – he poos.

Sometimes, while I’m changing him, if he thinks I’m doing an exceptionally good job, he pees on me, on himself and on the rest of the room.

Then, to thank me for cleaning it all up – he poos.

The irony of a c-section postpartum recovery

“You just underwent major surgery. We cut through six layers before we got to your uterus and then we sewed it all back together again. It will take up to six weeks for you to fully recover.
Until then, be nice to yourself. Just relax. Don’t lift anything and get a lot of sleep.
Also, here’s your screaming newborn. Wake up to feed him every two hours, day and night, and never put him down if you want to bond properly.”
The irony of a c-section postpartum recovery.

(Disclaimer: this is not a photo from my surgery. Strangely, the thought of taking photos of the doctors with a professional camera while they were cutting me open didn’t even cross my mind.)

I am not a cat

Oskar woke up with a strange brown spot on his head that wasn’t there before. Luckily, before freaking out I remembered that I ate some (a lot) of chocolate in bed last night. Inevitably (!) some of it landed on him.

I tried it for you and let me tell you, licking your newborn’s head is not the right way to clean him.