Travelling with a toddler is easy!

We’re back on Munich! It was a simple journey, most of it was just motorway:

18:30 Everything’s packed, we’re in the car leaving Rijeka, I’m driving. Our navigation tells us we’ll be home by midnight, we know that it probably means we’ll be home by 2 a.m. but that’s OK.
18:50 We are stuck in a 10km traffic jam, 20km into our journey.
20:45 Finally crossing the border, entering Slovenia, Molly’s happily watching Peppa Pig
21:15 Molly’s very tired, time to go to sleep. Jay saying “Night, night!” is a cue for Molly to throw up all over the car. We have no wet wipes, Jay’s cleaning the car with some of Molly’s clean clothes, Molly’s standing in front of the car shouting “Yucky!” with puke all over her. Including her hair.
21:40 Car and baby are relatively clean, time to drive on.
23:00 Molly’s asleep, we’re in a good mood. We reach a 15km long traffic jam in front of the Slovenian tunnel.
00:00 Jay gets into the driver’s seat, we high five, we’ll be home soon.
00:01 I’m asleep.
01:15 I wake up. We moved 4km since I fell asleep. It takes us another hour to cross into Austria.
03:00 We stop at the public toilet. I notice an interesting business offer. Someone wrote a very explicit message in pen on the toilet wall, suggesting he pays me €100 if he doesn’t manage to satisfy me sexually. It would be easy cash but no time for that. Plus, my heart says No.
03:05 Back in the driver’s seat. Molly’s wide awake, Jay’s trying to get some sleep.
03:10 Molly’s continuously kicking Jay’s chair, shouting “Dada, ne spava!” (Dada, no sleep!)
03:15 Peppa Pig
03:40 I finish a box of biscuits which are basically a kilo of sugar with additives. Molly’s babbling about Peppa’s adventures, keeping Jay awake.
04:45 My eyes keep closing so we switch again. I don’t even remember falling asleep in the passenger seat.
05:21 We’re back in Munich. Molly’s still awake, very excited about being back home, she’s not happy when we tell her she has to go to sleep.
05:30 We’re all asleep in our clothes, Molly still smells of puke, Jay and I smell even worse.
10:00 Waking up in our own bed is lovely.

Whyareyounotsleeping – a poem

If Molly was asked to write a poem about this night, this is what the lyrics would probably be:

One, two, three, four – throw your dummy on the floor,
Five, six, seven, eight – mama, pick it up again!
Nine, eight, seven, six – can I have some nice warm milk?
Five, four, three, two – I was just messing with you.
But this bottle I will keep,
Cause there’s no way I’ll go to sleep!
Maybe I will cry a bit?
Or throw a proper screaming fit?
We’ll find out what the night will bring…
You’re my bitch and I’m the king.
Two, three, four, five – just checking if you’re still alive.

“Peppa Pig” is not what I want to hear

When your child wakes up at 1 a.m. crying loudly and after you ask her if anything hurts, she starts hysterically screaming “Peppa Pig” on repeat, you know she’s been watching too much TV. Or too little. Or she’s in pain. Or she had a bad dream. Or she just wants to be cuddled. Our she’s a spoiled brat. You don’t know anything, actually. “Peppa Pig” is a horrible answer to almost any question asked in the middle of the night.

Tell my why I don’t like Wednesdays

SleepingMolly was not excited about getting up today. I had to wake her up by lifting the blinds and she just groaned, rolled over and ignored me. The first words she telepathically communicated to me were: “I don’t want to live.”

Ah, Molly. We all have days like these. But those toys are not going to play on their own, you have to step up and face your responsibilities!

Reasons for a tantrum

Here’s a list of things which Molly found upsetting between 6.45 and 7.45 this morning:

1. I wanted to take her pyjamas off
– crying time: 3 minutes
– distraction: offer her different clothes to wear

2. She didn’t want to wear any of her clothes
– crying time: 5 minutes
– distraction: give her a tub of cream to play with

3. After happily and generously applying cream on her legs and my nose while I got her dressed, it was time to take the cream away
– screaming and crying time: 4 minutes
– distraction: show her something really interesting in the bathroom

4. After “washing” her hands and splashing around in the sink while I got ready, it was time for breakfast, which meant no more playing with water
– proper hysterical meltdown time: 8 minutes, which gave me a chance to prepare breakfast without her hanging around in the kitchen yet I knew by her screams exactly where she was (in the bathroom, next to the sink, for all eight minutes)
– distraction: food

5. She really enjoyed her breakfast even though me giving her blueberries instead of a banana caused some non-committed moaning (45 seconds). But two cereal flakes left in the bowl when I took it away caused…
– crying time: 4 minutes, even after she had both of the flakes
– distraction: our neighbours rang the doorbell to take her to the daycare

6. She was put in the car seat
– moaning time: I have no idea, I closed the car door and left in a hurry
– distraction for mama: a long walk and a nice cup of coffee, followed by a long post on Facebook which I’ll be able to show her in 15 years time.